


Stupid Human Feelings

by orphan_account



Series: Adventures of Alien Bean Branch [1]
Category: Trolls (2016)
Genre: Alien AU, Branch is a confused alien, F/M, he is her pet and she will fight anyone who says otherwise, the alien au that no one asked for, who Poppy has adopted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 12:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11509440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Put simply," Guy grinned. "Love is an all-consuming emotion that feels as if your heart has been ripped from your chest-"What?"Stomped on-"What!?"Then put in a blender. You're gonna love it!"WHAT?!





	Stupid Human Feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bubb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubb/gifts).



> So I spammed my author senpai's tumblr with anon asks about an Alien!Branch AU and for some reason people really liked it so here ya go

Branch hated not knowing things.  
  
When he'd first came to this strange planet, he didn't know anything about anything. Their language was harsh, their cities were loud, and when anyone so much as looked at him, they'd either walk the other way or yell some strange human word that sounded like 'wee-a-boo'. He was all by himself, cold and alone, with no idea why or how he'd even gotten to this planet in the first place!

Until Poppy.

She was... Interesting, to say the least. Branch was certain she was the only human on this planet, maybe even this galaxy, whose first instinct upon seeing a creature that was definitely not one of her own huddled under a bridge was to introduce herself.

Just like everyone else, she was hard to understand. She spoken in the same pebbly language, not as harshly as the ones who'd yelled at him, but it was definitely the same, and Branch still didn't understand it, much to his annoyance. He tried communicating with her in Trol'kan, but it appeared he was making just as much sense to her as she was to him. It was only when he flicked his antennae to her temples to perform a language transfer that he'd finally been able to understand her, but she'd cut him off halfway through by screeching and jumping away.

Despite only knowing half of her impossible language (why did they have so many meanings for one word?!), Branch had been able to explain his situation. He couldn't remember everything she'd said, his head was still pounding from the crash, but he'd heard her mutter something about her being 'high', which made no sense, because they were both crouched underneath a bridge. She'd also said that odd 'wee-a-boo' word again, but even when Branch traced through all of his new knowledge on her language, he still had no idea what she meant.

After a lot of explaining and Poppy shoving her palm into his face ('for science', she'd claimed. Science seemed to be very different on this planet) she'd let him finish his language transfer and invited him back to her living quarters, which had made his skin burst pink. Apparently, on this planet, it was socially acceptable to bring a stranger back to your chambers, provided both parties had consented to it. Imagine, bringing someone who wasn't even your mate back to your pod!

Speaking of pods, human pods were very different to Trol'kan pods. They were rectangular, with many rooms and sharp corners, and they had no Mother Tree to grow from, they were just built from the ground. However, Poppy's was cozy and warm, and she'd introduced him to The Google, which Branch assumed was some kind of higher entity that knew almost all the questions you could ask (it also had a less helpful, looked-down-upon sibling, known as The Bing).

Poppy and The Google had taught him everything he knew about this planet. About cats, and hugs, and their odd cuisine, and about a strange trend known as 'vore', which had scarred Branch's very mind. Humans had more than one way to copulate, and most of them were very strange.

Branch had been certain he knew everything there was to know about humans and their culture.

But then _this_ happened.

He'd first felt it about three human months after Poppy had taken him in, when he'd found her asleep on the couch, art supplies stuck to her face. It was some kind of squishy, full feeling in his chest that made both his stomachs flip and the quills on his spine quiver.

Branch had scurried to the pods washing area (a whole room just for washing, can you imagine?) and checked himself in the mirror. His grey skin had tinted pink, and his antennae were trembling gently on his head. Branch tugged the 'phone', a human device that was almost exactly like a communicator, but with more games, out of his pocket, and asked The Google about his symptons. As humans did not typically have antennae, more than one stomach, or color changing skin, Branch's search was fruitless.

He changed into his human clothes and left Poppy a message on one of those convenient little 'post-it' notes, telling her that there were cake-pans on the counter and that he was going to Guy's pod for a bit, but he'd be back soon. He shrunk down his antennae and forced his skin to turn relatively peachy, like most of the humans he'd seen (Branch preferred his skin to change naturally, but desperate times called for desperate measures), and dashed out to see Guy. Surely he'd be able to help him, right?

/\/\/\

Wrong.

So very, very wrong.

"Would you stop that?!" Branch snapped, his pointed ears twitching. "This is serious! I could be _dying_ , Guy!"

But Guy kept making those horrible wheezy-bubbly noises in the back of his throat. Human laughter sounded so uncomfortable.

"Guy!" The poor alien growled, his antennae begining to buzz with annoyance, as Guy fell off of his chair.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" The human wheezed, pulling himself up. "It's just - Fucking hell, Branch!"

"I would appreciate it if you'd keep the human profanity to a minimum." Branch huffed.

"Savage."

"Excuse me? I'm being polite!

"That's not - nevermind." Guy grinned, shaking his head in disbelief. "Short answer is no, you are not dying, and you're not sick. Well, sort of."

Sort of? What was that supposed to mean?

Guy must've sensed his confusion, because he simply laughed and said, "You're in love, idiot."

Love? Branch remembered his grandmother talking to him about that, but she never said anything about this. It felt like his chest was going to explode!

"I think love might be different on my planet."

Guy rolled his eyes.

"You can't use that excuse every time you dont understand something."

Branch bristled, his skin tinting red.

"Well, what does it mean here, if you're so smart?!"

"Put simply," Guy grinned. "It's an all-consuming emotion that feels as if your heart has been ripped from your chest-"

What?

"Stomped on-"

What!?

"Then put in a blender. You're gonna love it!"

WHAT?!

Humans were _insane_! That was what love was here?! It sounded terrible! Oh Di'nhal, he really was going to die! There was no way he'd be able to put up with all that pain!

"Uh, Branch?" Guy frowned at the unmoving alien. "... You okay, bud-?"

"What is _wrong_ with your species!?" Branch screeched, his shirt shaking like a leaf as the quills on his spine trembled in disbelief. "I mean no offense, but that sounds - that's -" He tugged out a deck of vocabulary flash cards Poppy had helped him make, shuffling through them until he found the right phrase. "That sounds batshit crazy! ...Was that the correct usage?"

"First off, your first curse word, good for you!" Guy smiled, patting Branch gently on his head. "Second, _chill_ , dude!"

"I'm already cold!"

"Wha- No, I mean _relax_!"

" _How_?! I am going to _die_!"

"What is going on in here?!" Satin snapped, marching into the room in baggy human sleep clothes with a towel draped over her head. "Can't a girl get some rest in this place?"

"Satin, do you have anything to write on?" Branch asked. "I left my notebook at home and I need to start writing my will."

"I - Excuse me?" She turned to her mate. "Guy, what is happening?"

"I... _May_ have given some bad advice?"

After the two calmed Branch down and convinced him not to start planning his own funeral, Satin had decided to give him an actual explanation of what love was. It actually didn't sound that bad, just a tad uncomfortable and confusing. Branch made sure to slap Guy upside the head after Satin had confirmed that there was absolutely no heart-stomping involved.

"So, why'd you wanna know?" Satin asked, trying to sit up as straight as she could with Guy hanging off her, moaning about abusive relationships and how he deserved better.

Branch forced his skin to stay grey, and tried to hold his quills still.

"Oh, uh, there was no reason. I heard someone mention it on one of those televisions and wanted to know what it meant."

Guy mumbled something into Satins shirt. Satin just smiled politely at Branch, the same smile she wore when she knew something she probably wasn't supposed to.

"Well, I hope we cleared things up for you. And, once again, I'm very sorry about Guy. He's a bit-"

"Vapid? Unintelligent? Half-witted?" Branch offered, pulling his vest back on to his shoulders as he stood.

"I was going to say a bit of a dumbass, but those work, too."

"You do know I can hear you guys, right?" Guy huffed, lifting his head from Satins shirt. "Bye, bully."

"Bye, person of below average intelligence."

"Ooh, burn."

"Where?

"Just go."

/\/\/\

Branch stumbled back into Poppys rectangular pod, exhausted from all the screaming and socializing.

"Heya, bud!" Poppy smiled from the kitchen. Branch still found it odd that humans had their own rooms for eating and preparing food, yet also went out to eat food. What confusing creatures...

"So, what'd ya do at Guy and Satins?" Poppy smiled, setting down a plate of sandwiches. A combination of food encased in easy-to-hold bread. Ingenious. "Sounded pretty urgent, you didn't put any commas. And I know how seriously you take punctuation!"

"Your language makes next to no sense as it is, I see no reason to confuse you more." Branch sniffed, taking a bit of his lunch. It was gummy bears and syrup this time, and Branch knew that, even for humans, that wasn't healthy or appetizing. Oh well, he'd just spit it back up when Poppy turned her back. When it came to Poppys cooking, Branch had never been more thankful to have two stomachs.

Her baking was good though. Sweet things suited her.

"You didn't answer my question, E.T."

"Is that a reference to that silly alien movie again? I already told you, it's riddled with scientific errors and -"

"Just answer the question, silly!"

Branch huffed, wincing as he took another bite.

"We jush -" Chew, swallow, gag. "We just talked about some stuff. I had some questions about humans and I didn't want to wake you."

"You coulda just Googled it."

"Poppy, we've been over this." Branch sighed. "The Google needs a break once in a while. I wouldn't want to trouble it with my questions."

Poppy snickered.

"You're an idiot."

_Your idiot._

Not that he'd ever say that. Branch wasn't really sure about human courting, and besides, Poppy would rather mate with another human. She seemed quite smitten with that Creek thing, though Branch wasn't entirely certain he was all human. Who even had hair like that?!

Besides, it was probably just a - what had Guy called it? He'd told Branch a story once, about a boy he'd felt romantic feelings toward, but they ended quickly. What was the word he used? Oh, crush! It was a crush! Not that he'd want to crush Poppy, but he assumed that's what Guy had meant. These feelings would leave soon enough.

"It's 'pancakes', by the way."

Branch jolted out of his daydreaming.

"Uh, pardon?"

"Your note." Poppy said, waving the little yellow post-it. "You said 'cake-pans'. It's 'pancakes'."

"Does it really matter? They're cakes made in pans. I see no difference."

"That's just how it is, dummy!" Poppy giggled, taking Branchs empty plate and flicking his antennae, sending a small jolt down Branchs spine.

It wouldn't last. In the future, these weird fluffy feelings would leave.

But in the present, Branch couldn't help but like her.

Love her.

Stupid human feelings.

**Author's Note:**

> B the w, secretsivekept did some kickass art for this so here we go
> 
> http://secretsivekept.tumblr.com/post/162976970353/heya-tisbubb-yknow-that-anon-that-asked-for-the


End file.
